Punishment
by Giantpanda
Summary: Shannon reflects on Sun’s questions about punishment, which leads her to some answers.


TITLE: Punishment  
RATING: PG  
SUMMARY: Shannon reflects on Sun's questions about punishment, which leads her to some answers.  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters from Lost and am not making a profit. If they were mine, then there would be more Shayid moments.

Only Vincent kept Shannon company in the secluded corner of the caves. Earlier, she had revealed some of her secrets to him, as Walt had urged her, but now said nothing. She didn't want to talk with anyone. Sun's words about the castaways being punished for all their lies and secrets played over and over again in her mind. At the time, Shannon had acted like she didn't get what Sun was talking about, but in reality, she understood perfectly. All her life, she had thought she was being punished for something she had done.

Shannon closed her eyes as she recalled the time she had fought with her mother about dance class. She didn't want to go. It was boring, and the other girls weren't nice to her. Mom forced her to go anyway, and Shannon screamed that she hated her. She slammed the car door and gave her the silent treatment the whole drive to the dance studio, and maintained her stormy silence on the way home and through dinner. After that, Shannon's parents sat her down and dropped the bombshell: Mom was sick. The next day, she went to the hospital. Shannon cried every night because she thought it was her fault. Shannon knew Daddy blamed her for it, because every time Shannon asked him if Mom would get well, he pushed her away, anger lacing his words. Soon after that, Mom died.

If losing her mother was Shannon's punishment for being too loud, for asking her parents too many questions and being unsatisfied with their answers, then she was determined to change. For the next few years, she was a good girl. She kept her mouth shut and did whatever Daddy asked her. She didn't want him to be taken away from her, too.

But then one day her daddy remarried and brought Sabrina and Boone into her life. Every day Shannon wracked her brain for what she had done to deserve that punishment. Sabrina tried to control her every move, Shannon rebelled the only way she could, she took control of what she ate, or more importantly what she didn't eat. It was the only constant in her life. When her relationship with Sabrina got worse, Shannon reacted in more obvious ways. Once she ran away. After that, she started hanging out with "the wrong crowd", as Daddy referred to her friends. One night she came home way past curfew, and learned a drunk driver had killed her father. Shannon knew she was again being punished, this time, for disappointing Daddy.

She ran away again, far away, to France. She told Sabrina that it was for school, but she never intended to come back after the semester finished. Of course it hadn't been in her plans to get married, but she didn't even want to think about that now. The events in France led up to what happened with Boone. She wondered when she would stop being punished for that. Not that she deserved the punishment to stop.

And now there was Sayid. She had thought that she had finally found something good. She had been happy. He helped her see herself as she used to be, before Sabrina's influence claimed the last of her innocence. He made her feel special, as if she really could do anything. He listened to her, asked her questions and cared to hear the answers, and he didn't care when she asked him a million questions, distracting him from his work. Sometimes she felt like he enjoyed the distraction, and she wondered more about his past. But she couldn't ask him about that, not when she was so unwilling to tell him about hers. Now she realized that he might never see him again. He had to go play hero and find Aaron.

Her shoulders sagged as she sighed. She should have known better than to believe that she could be happy. She was still being punished, and she knew why. She had taken away Boone's happiness. Why should she deserve to be happy? She had used him, used his love for her against him just because she needed the money. She should have just asked him for it, maybe then he wouldn't be dead. She realized that she had never apologized to Boone for what she had done to him. She wished that she could tell him, just once, and thank him for trying to be a good brother to her, even if it had turned out so very wrong.

She chewed on her lip. Maybe it wasn't too late to apologize to him. She reached down and grabbed Vincent's leash and began the walk to Boone's grave. She knew it wasn't the smartest idea to leave the safety of the caves, but if the others really were a threat, this could be her last chance.

She sank down to the soft ground, letting go of Vincent's leash. She gently fingered the cross that marked the spot. She knew she should be crying, but she couldn't; all her tears were gone. She felt like she had spent so much of her life saying goodbye to people. She didn't want to cry anymore or hurt anymore.

Shannon looked around and realized that Vincent had wondered off. For the first time, she realized how completely alone she was. No one on the island cared about her. She knew that wasn't true, but she had pushed away the one who did. She suddenly wished she had waited to come here, that she had brought Sayid with her. She needed his strength, but she knew he thought she was angry with him. She really wasn't, not anymore anyway. She knew that she had pushed him away because she was afraid that she would be in the same spot she was now with Boone. Shannon didn't think she could survive if she had to say goodbye to Sayid too. But right then she didn't have him at all. She hated all the thoughts that were going through her mind. She felt jumbled and confused, and she needed her big brother.

"You won't believe it," Shannon began, softly, "but I miss you."

She pulled her sweater tighter around herself. This was harder than she thought.

"I know things got really bad, but it was good when we were kids. Wasn't it?"

As Shannon looked down at the ground, memories of their childhood flooded back to her. She remembered bandaging Boone's knee after he fell off his bike. Sometimes Boone played Barbies with her, even when his favorite TV show was on. She introduced him to her friends because he thought they were pretty. He'd even gotten her a date with one of his friends so she could be the only sophomore at his senior prom. That memory wasn't completely good. Prom had been the first time she realized something was wrong with their relationship. Boone's eyes were on her more frequently than on his date. Shannon had told herself then that he was protecting her in case things got ugly, but she now knew that things had already gotten ugly. She remembered the way he held her as she cried about her daddy, the way she had lashed out at him, and how easily he had forgiven her. She wished they could go back to that. But it was too late.

"I'm sorry, Boone," she whispered. " You didn't deserve it. I don't know why I used you. I guess it doesn't matter anymore. I'm just sorry."

At last Shannon felt the warm sting of tears in her eyes. She looked up at the darkening sky. "Wherever you are, maybe…I hope…you can forgive me. I don't deserve it, but you always did things for me that I didn't deserve."

She shivered as she realized that the sun was beginning to set. She knew she should get back to the caves, but she wasn't finished. She felt as if a weight was being lifted off her heart with each word that she said. As she spoke the words came quicker and easier, the way it used to be when she was with him.

"Sayid will be back soon," she said, trying to sound confident. "With Aaron. That's what Claire named her baby. He was born the same day—" her voice cracked. "—the same day you…died."

She took a deep breath. She wished she had talked to Boone like this before he had died. Maybe then things would have been on the way to being fixed. She reflected on how things had begun to get a little better until Sayid entered the picture. She should have known that it would happen. She wished she had talked to Boone about what he had told Sayid, she wanted to tell him that she wasn't the bad news he seemed to think she was.

"Here's something else you won't believe. I'm not using Sayid. I know I'm not good enough for him, but I don't care. I really like him. He makes me feel better."

Shannon's heart sank when she realized what she'd just said. After all the times he'd made her feel better about the island, about herself, the time she'd most needed him, she pushed him away.

"Nothing will happen now," she continued. "Unless he can forgive me."

In the midst of her melancholy about Sayid, Shannon suddenly laughed as another memory pushed its way to the front of her mind.

"Do you remember how I used to tell you about all the boys I had crushes on?" She shifted from her knees into a more relaxed sitting position. "We would sit in your room, and you'd give me advice. You always told me who was worth my attention, and who I had to be careful with. You were usually right."

She became serious again, her smile fading.

"We also talked when we had our hearts broken. We tried to fix each other."

The cross blurred as Shannon's eyes misted again. She drew her knees up to her chest.

"I broke your heart. I never even tried to fix it. I'm sorry. So sorry."

Vincent wandered over and nudged her arm as if to tell her it was time to leave.

"I have to go." She kissed her fingers and rested them against the cross. "I love you."

As she walked back to the caves, she felt lighter, as if talking with Boone had helped heal her, just a little. She wondered what Boone would have said to her, the Boone she had grown up with, not the one she had broken. She wished he could have answered. She tried to imagine his answer in her mind. She knew he would have laughed at her for thinking she was being punished. He would have told her to talk to Sayid, to find out if they were meant to be.

She still wondered if she was being punished, but instead of Fate, as Sun suggested, she was punishing herself. She was the one who had pushed Sayid away. She had made that decision. Deep down in her heart she knew she wanted him – no, needed him. She hoped that it wasn't too late. She had waited too long to talk with Boone, and she hoped the same wouldn't happen with Sayid. He was off risking his life, and hers was empty without him.

She entered the caves and released Vincent's leash. She had learned that he would come back to her whenever she needed him. The caves were louder than they had been when she had left and she wondered what was going on. She went over to where the noises were coming from. She noticed everyone was standing around Claire, and she hoped that meant that Aaron was home.

She walked closer to Claire and saw her beautiful baby resting peacefully in her arms. Charlie was standing in front of them. She noticed Sayid wasn't there. She searched for him, scanning the caves. Finally her eyes rested on him standing in front of the waterfall. Relief filled her as she realized that he was safe. She moved past the happy family, and ran to Sayid. She wrapped her arms tightly around him, and was glad that he did the same. She felt safe again.

Shannon didn't know how long they stayed like that, and while she didn't want it to end, she knew it had to. Reluctantly, she pulled away from the comfort of his arms. She looked into his eyes as she tried to find the courage to find the words to tell him what she was feeling. She had to look away because she felt as if she could get lost in his eyes.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

Sayid opened his mouth to speak, but Shannon placed her finger over his lips to silence him. She needed to finish.

"I've been a bitch to you. Don't try to deny it. I'm sorry."

She took a deep breath trying to organize her thoughts. She wondered if she even had the right to ask him to take her back, and more importantly would he even want her back. She noticed the way that Sayid stood there waiting for her to continue. She loved that he knew her well enough to know that she wasn't done. She wasn't sure if it was the right choice, but she needed to at least try to fix things with him.

Shannon started playing with the buttons on her sweater, suddenly nervous.

"I want you in my life. If you don't want me, or if you aren't ready now, that's fine. No matter what, I need for us to move slowly, and…" She looked down as she started to kick the dirt with her shoe. "…it's your choice if we move at all."

She wanted to throw herself into his arms again, but she knew she couldn't. Shannon turned and walked away. The ball was in his court now; their future depended on his decision. She knew the answer she wanted, but if Sayid decided that he didn't want her, she could deal with that. She wouldn't be happy, but she knew she would be able to accept the punishment for all her actions.

Yet, a part of her still hoped that her punishment involved Sayid.

The End


End file.
